Hi, I´m Andreas Plefka and I´m lucky to be here tonight!
Not that I´m that lucky to tell you something funny, you should be!
I have had so much trouble today that I´m lucky that I could make it to be here!
I got disturbed by sirens of the police and the ambulance the entire night!
Must have been a lot of action out there while I tried to get some sleep before a busy day!
The people just don´t care if someone has to sleep and kill eachother without even using silencers!
What´s the deal with the sirens on top of police cars anyways?
The light makes sense, cause the people in the street see it and can react like making space for the police cars.
But do they need the sound?
I mean, people in their cars might not even hear it!
When someone is listening to loud music he would just hear it as the background of the song and think that it´s a bad remix version of his favourite song!
And what are the burglars supposed to think?
“Oh, the police is coming close, let´s wait for them and have a nice shoot out!”
That doesn´t make sense at all!
So my recommendation for the police is:
Keep it down and you might be more successful in the war against crime!

And what´s the deal with sirens of ambulances?
I don’t want to get disturbed in the middle of the night cause someone who I don´t even know is dying!
Everytime I get disturbed during my sleep I hope the one already is dead when the ambulance arrives at his place..so they at least don´t need the siren on the way back!

I wish I had a siren when I´m about to come, so I wouldn´t have to shout it!

Then I got up at 6 in the morning cause I had to get to the office!
They didn´t even give me a day off and they knew I have a standup performance today!
That´s a shame! Maybe my boss thinks when I´m too good today and get a contract for a tv series I might quit my job in the office and he would lose a good employee.
So I dressed myself and got down the elevator!
What´s the deal with the mirrors in elevators?
When the elevator is full of people it looks even fuller!
Well, nobody really cares for the mirror in a full elevator, but when you are alone in there you might think like,
“Woot, luckily I´m not all alone. I get scared really easily in an elevator cause of my agoraphobia. When the elevator stops between two floors I can at least talk to somebody!”
Or it could be the last chance before a date to check if you are shaved.
If not, you would press the emergency button and call: "Help! Get me a barber here, hurry!"
Then I met the doorman in the lobby and he tried to talk to me like he always does.
Like I have so much time that I can talk to doormen all the time!
Whats the deal with doormen in apartment houses anyway?
Does the Landlords think that when that tenants are so stupid to pay the high rent, they are too stupid to open the front door?
Why do you need a man to open the door for you?
Is it because you have no money left for a maid cause of the high rent that you need someone who opens you the door in order to give you at least a bit of satisfaction?
Maybe the lessor controls you with that doorman!
The doorman could tell him when you are a sloppy person and when you are not good for the image of that house…then you might get a letter with a cancellation of your lease.
So you should always behave well and be nice to the doorman. He has more power than you might think!
Has it ever happened to you that your doorman was ill and another man who you haven´t seen before did the job for him?
It luckily never happened to me!
It would scare the hell outta me!
I would feel like in one of those action movies…I would think terrorists took over the building and I would immediately call the police when I got to my apartment!
They usually have nice furniture and pretty carpet in the lobby. They even have a counter!
It looks like we are living in a hotel, but the doorman serves no drinks, so it´s like a hotel bar without the chance of getting something to drink.
Why you make such a nice room when you don´t get something to drink there?
You could sit down for a while drinking something and meet other people from your house!
But so there is no point of sitting down in the lobby.
You don´t say to your girlfriend:
“Honey, let us grab some crackers and something to drink and go down to the lobby and sit down for a while!”
So why have they put a nice furniture there?
I have never seen the doorman taking a nap on it…and there is no one in my house who I have ever heard saying, “I can´t stand waiting for the elevator for 5 seconds, I have to sit down!” Well, now I know why they put a couch in there!
Have you ever dated a woman who went up to her apartment and told you via the buzzer that she will come down in a minute?
You know it´s a woman!
So you better get comfortable for a while!
Finally, at around 7 I was out of my building and drove to mc donald´s to get my breakfast…coffee and donuts…that´s the only things I buy there.
I wouldn´t eat that other crap.
That took me 30 minutes!
Can you believe that?

What´s the deal with fast food?
Nowadays, it isnt very fast!
Usually, there are fatlazy guys behind the counter who you cant even understand, so that takes time!
And you can´t even get to the counter directly. There are always like 5 customers infront of you. They have to deal with that guy behind the counter first!
Then they screw up your order! They are like, “What did you have again?”
And very often your favourite burger hasn´t even been prepared yet, so you have to wait some time.
So it´s definately not very fast…like for example mcdonald´s…you know how they have golden arches?
They should be called the bronze arches, because that´s what the service is like…and Burger King should be Burger Prince!
…and what is the point of the drive-thru anyways?
It takes even longer to get the food there!
The customers at the counter inside get served faster and the people in the cars have to wait.
Well, it´s not that mcdonald´s wants to give you a nice service there.
If you would ask them, they told you that it´s a better service for getting your food without the need looking for a parking space.
But they only think like,
“Take your burgers and get the hell outta here, we don´t want you to get our tables and seats dirty with our sloppy burgers!”
That might be the reason for them to call it fast food!
“Here is your burger and now get outta here, FAST!”

So I got to the office half an hour late cause I had to eat fast food!
I arrived at my desk and wanted to start working as a janitor came up to my desk and started cleaning! That was what I needed!
I am half an hour late, have much work and had to leave earlier cause I had to go to the doctor and the janitor cleans like in slow motion.
He should get some coffee before he starts working!
Why do they have janitors in companies anyway?
When you are in a college or in the army you clean your room and equipment on your own.
Why can´t the office workers clean their rooms and their desks?
They could easily clean the rooms and corridors, that wouldn´t take much time since there are many workers.
That is psychological!
They let janitors clean the rooms and the desks cause when she comes to your desk and cleans it you feel better. When you feel good, you work better!
You think like, “She is working for me, I actually have an employee!”
…and maybe it holds you away from a claim for more money.
You might think like,
“I work in a nice office and I have someone who works under me, I can´t risk that with wanting more money! Maybe I would lose my job…maybe the janitor who is cleaning my desk had an office job before and asked for more money!?”
So basically the janitors get paid for cleaning, making you happy and scaring the hell outta you at the same time. They are probably the most hard-working people in the entire company!
But feeling special is the main reason why many people have a maid at home.
They are like,
“I can afford a maid! I´m the boss of someone! I can create a chaos and the maid can´t blame me for that.”
They usually say they got no time to clean their homes, because there are so busy.
I don´t buy that! You can´t be too busy to clean your home! When you have time to spend time in your home, you have time to clean it.
Well, maybe you are like,
“I would have time but I´m too stressed to do it, when I am at home I want to relax!”
You relax on the sofa and watch the maid cleaning your flat.
But haven´t you ever made the experience that cleaning is actually a really good way to relax?
Look at all the janitors and maids, they are really satisfied and balanced!
If I had a maid, I would go like, “Damn, there goes my money and she has all the fun!”
…that would stress me!
But watching people cleaning rooms at work is enjoyable for me too.
I love that feeling that someone works for me and I don´t pay him for doing that!
Maybe the janitor can also bring me a coffee, I don´t know!

Well, I did my work then and left at 1 o´clock to get to the doctor´s.
I got in the elevator and I had a bad smell in my nose!
That happens to me everday!

Do you have to use elevators often?
I have to! I work in a big building and have to go to the 10th floor everyday.
I hate it! I really do! You know why? Cause everytime there is someone farting in there!
And I never figured out who it is! They never get caught!
You know what their tactic is?
Most of em fart really loud, so you can´t figure out the direction where it comes from.
It echoes so much, so its impossible to tell.
Believe me, it works. I tested it! Sometimes the other guys think it´s the elevator breaking loose!
But why do people fart in the elevator?
I mean, you are in there for like 30 secs maybe, the chance that you have to fart in there goes against 0.
So I think the people do it on purpose!
Why do they do it on purpose?
You know, when they are in an office with other people or in a corridor and they fart they might get caught.
They go in an elevator, where it’s a minor risk to get caught.
So look out, when you are in an elevator and someone comes in, he might just have to fart.

I arrived at the doctor´s half past one, right in time for the appointment!
Do you want to know when I saw the doctor for the first time?
Half past 3!

When you go to the doctor´s you have to wait first. There is no chance of getting directly to the doctor.
Why doesn´t his secretary update the appointments?
The doctor could tell her that he needs longer with a patient and gives her the time that the other patients have till he has time for them.
They could send you an sms or an email! That would be really nice!
You can compare that to computer programs which have live updates.
A good program has an automatic update, so why shouldn´t a good doctor have live updates for appointments?
Maybe it would cost him a bit but he´d save the money for all those magazines.
So there is no point of not doing it.
The patients would have much more time since they wouldn´t have to wait at the doctor´s for a long time.
But the doctor doesn’t want that.
He wants to see all the people who are waiting for him.
It makes him feel better.
He thinks, “I am so important. All the people are waiting for me!
I can take a break in my office and nobody will know. And I can make fun of ´em!
When someone comes in with a bad cough I can tell him to take his pants off and he will do it!”
There is also another reason why he wants people to wait!
Doctors get paid by the amount of sick people, so if someone is not sick he will be!
There are so many sick people who are infectious, it´s a minor risk that you don´t get sick when you aren´t already!
So it´s too bad that doesn´t exist yet, cause if you receive a message which says that you can come half an hour later to the doctor´s, you maybe could visit your girlfriend.
You pop in and have sex!
After that you have a good excuse to leave her place really quickly!
But since you have to wait at the doctor´s, why don´t they have hookers there?
I mean, you would know they are healthy!…and you can take an AIDS test right away!
I can see a commercial for that:
“Enjoy yourself and get treated afterwards!
Hospital Hookers! It´s a safer way!”

She also could help you with sperm samples!
You know what is weird? When you go to the doctor´s and you have to give sample sperms they take it for granted that you know how to do it.
They don´t explain it to you.
More than that…when you need to give sample sperms to a doctor and you don´t know how to do that..maybe you will land infront of a court when you ask the nurse:
“Can you show me how to do that?”
The nurse sues your ass cause of sexual harrasment.
And when you get to jail you go like, “I´m innocent, I didn´t even masturbate!”
But don´t let the other inmates know…maybe they turn you into that!

So at 4 o´clock I finally got to the doctor!
At least she is worth the long waiting time! She is a very good doctor!
I really can recommend her!
But who doesn´t?
Everyone can recommend his doctor, caue most of the people stay with one and can´t really tell if he is actually good or not!
Well, that reminds me of a story a friend told me!

When women are in high positions like working as a doctor that means they must have studied alot.
They are really intelligent. But why did they study that much?
Usually when you grow up at about the age of 14 or 15 you only want sex.
That means these women didn’t have sex much in their childhood.
That´s how women usually act. They have no nookie, they do something productive.
A girl who hadn´t done it for a longer time than another girl received better marks and went to college.
So, when the time she didn’t have sex indicates how good she is, why don’t they have it shown on the wall instead of a diploma?
When you need a doctor and you are looking for a good one, you would go to the doctor´s, check the time she didn’t have sex and you go like,
“Oh, she had 3 months more abstinence than the other doctor, I will let her check my body!…and maybe she´s got a huge pent-up demand…I don´t know.”
But it´s completely different when a man hasn´t had nookie for quite a long time…like 1 month…girls are always on his mind.
The longer the time he has no sex the more he thinks about the reasons why and how he can change that situation… and you know there are a lot of men that want to become a doctor only cause of impressing girls.
They don´t care much about the study anyway.
So, when you go to the doctor´s and see that he´s still a virgin, you should better leave that place immediately!
…Especially when you are a woman and you study!

So I left the doctor´s at half past 5.
I wanted to drive home to get some sleep before my performance, but I first had to get something to eat!
I drove to walmart´s.
There I am sure I can get some food faster than at mc donald´s!
So I bought 2 pizzas. I didn´t want to buy something where you need a harvard craduation to prepare the food.
I really had to get some sleep!
So as I was wating in line I saw a water dispenser they always have in super markets!

What´s the deal with the public water dispensers in super markets?
I have never seen anyone drinking from them in my entire life!
That´s because it´s filthy water and everybody knows it!
The hygiene institute was sent to test those water dispensers and they found many germs in them!
But everybody knew it before the hygiene institute actually confirmed it.
That´s cause they fill the bottle with water once and just leave it so.
It just stands there! No service at all!
No one has ever seen a guy changing the water!
Well, there´s no need for it, no one drinks it anyway.
Since you can buy different varitys of drinks in the shop there is no one who wants to drink water from a dispenser where any stranger could have put his hand on it and which isn´t even cooled.
They could atleast put some plastic fishes into the water, then it would look like something.
But if they served free fresh coffee I would stop there for a while…
…and most likely go shopping with my friends more often.
That would have a really positive aspect!
You see what your friend is buying. That can be really interesting!
You may see things you have never noticed before, for example spices.
But now there you see that your friend is buying it you get curious about it.
That´s how I got in touch with French Tarragon. You don´t know French Tarragon?
Then you better go shopping with friends! They give you new ideas for preparing meals!
But sometimes you would go like, “What, you eat that? I wouldn´t even touch it!”
When you are lucky you are shopping with someone who is easy to manipulate.
When you want to try crackers with a new flavour you go like,v “Hey, look at those! I heard they are really tasty!”
So your friend gets curious about it and buys the crackers and you can test them for free…or you walk through the magazines section and go like,
“There is the magazine with those many interesting articles in it. I can highly recommend it…when you are done with it let me know!” …and after that a free coffee at the coffee bar! That would save you a lot of money!
And you would meet a lot of women there!
You could start a conversation while drinking your coffee and later help bring her shopping to the car.
That would be a really nice start and your chances would be higher when you ask her out.
That is a nice imagination to me! Shopping would be really great!
But instead of that they have a water dispenser which is probably only used when a customer becomes unconscious cause of his shopping bill and you need to pour water on his face, I don´t know!

I was back home at around 5, so I could sleep for 2 hours!
Not that it is enough that it´s not a long time, I also had a nightmare!

I dreamed that I had sex with a woman…and I kissed her! That scared me!
I never kiss a woman while having sex! What´s the point?
My dick hasn´t got any advantage cause of that, he only reacts at a good movement down there…kissing can´t affect that in any way!
Why do people kiss while having sex?
I think cause it´s the best tactic for holding the woman back from talking.
I mean, you do one hell of a job down there and if she begins to talk, she might ruin your entire progress.
So it´s the best to keep her mouth shut till you are done.
Getting a blowjob is also really good!
Its actually the only work women do without complaining.
Usually a woman begins to work on something and instantly starts complaining.
She goes like,
“I have to wash the clothes now….why is it so much anyways? I wash the clothes every week…I can´t take that shit no more!”
But when she is giving a blowjob, she is working for full 20 minutes without even saying one word!
That´s my imagination of a good relationship!

So I really haven´t had a nice day!
Actually I forgot all my lines cause I was so distracted and couln´t think about them lately!
Well, I probably shouldn´t have come here before I´m really ready for it!
I wonder if I could have postponed my performance today!
Damn, I should have checked that. Now I am standing here and don´t know what to say!
Other people also postpone important happenings!

You know, sometimes a company announces a product for a certain date even if they haven´t finished working on it.
For example game developers. They often announce a game and then they have to postpone the release date cause they haven´t finished programing it.
That reminds me of my school days!
Do you remember when you had a test at school and you had problems finishing the test within the 2 hours?
I think you do! Probably most of you had that problem!
90% of the kids have problems finishing a test within the 2 hours.
There are only 2 or 3 nerds in each class who have no problems with the time at all.
So I was wondering why I even gave the test to the teacher after 2 hours.
Well, you will say that I had no chance of not doing that since the teacher insisted on receiving the test after that time.
But that is no reason for me only cause he insists on that.
I mean, try going to a company and claim for the game you want when they postponed the release date!
I think when you would bother them too much they would call the police.
So a kid who has problems getting finished in time should put a sign on his table which says,
“Need more time! Come back in an hour!”
And when the teacher insists on handing in the test he should ignore him and continue working.
When the teacher bothers him too much, he sues him for sexual harassment!
Well, the good thing is, that the time is nearly over after I just told you what happened to me today!
So that was a show about nothing but next time I won´t forget my lines, I promise!

Good night!

© Andreas Plefka